The truth is that I don’t know

While I was in Chile, it was clear that everyone seemed to know what was right for someone else, I was told to tell my auntie who currently has got lung cancer to stop smoking as she has been receiving chemotherapy and radiotherapy for the last few months… I thought about this as it seemed reasonable, it is even written on cigarette packages in Chile. I wonder, if smoking kills, wouldn’t she also know this? And if she knows this, wouldn’t it make it easier to give up cigarettes?

Most people don’t change because they are told to change. The only catalyst for change must be something so powerful inside of them that leaves no other choice, however when there’s addiction, it is not so easy.

I cannot help but remember the story of a mum takes her young child to see Gandhi. She complained about her child’s addiction to sugar. She pleads to Gandhi “to tell her son to stop eating sugar.” He asks her to come back in two weeks.

Two weeks later the woman and her son come back to see Gandhi. He looked at the young boy and said “stop eating sugar”. The mother was perplexed. “Why didn’t you tell him this 2 weeks ago?” To which he replied, “Because two weeks ago I was still eating sugar”.

This is such a powerful story, and it made me consider something personal that I’m sharing as it can be helpful to know to some of you. I recently took an intolerance test and a few items I love showed up. Intolerances change with time and what I’m intolerant to today is not the same as 3 years ago and what I’m reactive to today won’t necessarily be the same next year. Saying that, right now I seem to have an intolerance to gluten and since it’s not an allergy, I haven’t shown many symptoms of intolerance such as bloating, coughing or becoming phlegmy after eating, etc. I have always loved bread and pasta. Bread eating is a huge part of Chilean’s diet and it’s a cultural tradition to eat bread with every meal (though I mainly have bread in the morning) and I can honestly say I have an attachment to eating bread, it brings me closer to home and fond early memories… 

I took this intolerance test because at the end of last year and early this year, I started to experience debilitating menstrual cramps due to endometriosis. This was under control for many years and its arrival was completely unexpected. These cramps are often rooted in inflammation and inflammation is strongly connected to diet and stress levels. 

Knowing that whatever that our bodies don’t digest become toxins and toxins affect the weakest link in the body, which to me are the ovaries and left leg, I had to become more curious about my current intolerances. So, I found this out, and even though I know eating gluten right now isn’t ideal for me, I still haven’t completely stopped having it, though I’ve reduced the amount of it I eat. 

Why do I share this? Because, before I tell someone what they should stop doing, before I try to fix them, I must ask myself “Can I personally do what I’m asking this person to do?” - “How willing am I to stop doing something that I know is either detrimental or damaging for myself? I realised that if I’m not able to give up bread and pasta, it is not me who should tell my auntie to stop smoking.

Gandhi’s story helped me be with my auntie without the blame or judgment that could come from believing I know what’s best for her and getting annoyed by her unwillingness/inability to do it. This allows me to love her without veils that get in the way of what is - and perhaps diminish the stress caused by the friction of wanting her to be different. The truth is that I don’t know and I don’t need to know. My only task here is to love her as best as I can and hope for the best.

It is part of being human believing that we know best, that if X, Y, Z did something differently, their lives would be much better, but often this creates more separation than unification 

Have you ever had conflicts with someone because of your ideal of them prevented you from accepting them as they are? 

Do you ever think that if only this person changed their habits/partner/job/beliefs/etc. they would be much better and happier? 

Have you ever been upset because someone or something does not live up to your expectations? 

We are human, it’s likely you answered yes to any or all of these questions. We cannot know with absolute certainty that something is as we think it is, even when many agree that it is. Sometimes, it can help to act as if we did not know, because maybe, in reality, we don’t. 

We think that we want people to change because we love them but can we love them without trying to change them?

What if, just for today, we acted as if we don't really know what's best for someone other than ourselves and see what happens?

May our hearts become beacons that guide us toward the light of understanding, of love and of healing.

With love,

Amor Armitage